A "development" in my spirituality came what seemed out of nowhere these past weeks. And with my first final this week, it could not have come at a worse time. I'm going through something I cannot explain and I figured maybe writing it down would help. My disorganized thoughts don't make sense until the very end of each blog post I've made. So if you're going to continue reading this, thank you. If not, I don't blame you haha.

April is National Poetry Month so I was doing a bit of reading earlier today and came across this quote from one of my favorite poets, Rumi.
 "You have to keep breaking your heart until it opens." 

It's true isn't it? I don't interpret this quote with having to deal solely with relationships, but with anything in life- disappointment, love, failure etc. It deals with our limits. How far do we have to be pushed in order to know how far we can go? How much do we have to taste failure before we can get a glimpse of success? Lately, a cloud of isolation has overcome my soul and loneliness has broken through. I don't know why this is happening but I decided to just roll with it. I am losing myself more and more with each passing day. Last summer I would have done anything to try and stop it and that would involve me immersing myself into spiritual enlightenment literature. But with finals coming up, I have disassociated myself from my feelings rather successfully. That is, up until today when I read Rumi's poems. 

In my last blog post,  I talked about how everyone goes through pain and some can never resurface from it. Which is why when I read that quote, my emotions broke through my wall. We all have to face ourselves sooner than later and I believe sooner is better than later because when we avoid our emotions, they pile up faster than emails in our spam folder. 

I am going through something I cannot explain, no matter how hard I try. My mind feels like that Spongbob episode where he is asked to only remember how to be a perfect server, so when he is asked his name, he breaks down because he does not remember. Rather weird analogy but that's how my mind feels like. If you want an awesome reminder, here you go!   Spongebob forgets his name

I am losing myself and instead of feeling like little mini me's are frantically trying to piece myself together, I have just let myself go. We have to be pushed to know our limits and from this comes strength. I think it is really easy as humans to realize how much we have on our plate and feeling like we will never overcome it. But we must remember that we have endured pain and still made it to the other side.

Most days I feel empowered and as if I can easily take on anything that comes in my way. Other days I feel like my size- just five feet tall. 

I have to remember the days I felt like my world was going to end. Because it didn't.
I have to remember the times I thought nothing was going right. Because it did.
I must remember to give myself more credit than I do because I wouldn't be where I am, without me. 

The cure for pain, comes from pain itself. From this derives our strength. We must see beauty in ourselves in order to flourish. But sometimes it's easy to forget ourselves in this world. I think instead of running from our problems, we must embrace them, in order to realize what truly is wrong. So that's what I have been doing, opening my arms to isolation and giving myself time for, well me. I always give my time and feelings for other people, because I want the people in my life to be happy. I am happy seeing others happy and there is nothing wrong with that. But I must also remember that I am the root of my soul. We must not forget to remember ourselves in our lives. It seems rather selfish but peace and happiness comes from within, not from other people. And it takes courage to depend on yourself for your own happiness but it has to be worth it in the end, right?

I know it's finals season so good luck to everyone! I know most of us are probably already planning out our breakdowns, I know I am! ;) haha. This post makes no sense but thank you to anyone who read it all the way through. 


“Oh soul,
you worry too much.
You have seen your own strength.
You have seen your own beauty.
You have seen your golden wings.
Of anything less,
why do you worry?
You are in truth
the soul, of the soul, of the soul."       -Rumi


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